My Due Date

Today was my due date. Our 3rd child was due on March 31, 2025. I remember thinking about this day months ago – after finding out that we lost our baby – and dreading it. Automatically relating it to sadness, anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and more.

Often times, while processing hard experiences, we look ahead with fear while simultaneously looking back with regret. We fear what the future may meet us with because we are not in control of how we were affected by our hardship. We also look back thinking about what we could have, should have, would have done differently as if our decisions somehow contributed to the outcome (sometimes they do, but this is not the blog post for that). I have come to learn that looking forward and looking backward, while sometimes necessary, are usually signs that I want to be in control. I want to be able to control the situation that brought about my hurt. I want to control the unknown future. Both of these have only led me down a path of distancing myself from God. The more I crave control, the less I’m willing to give it to the One it belongs to.

But today. Today I made the decision. Early in the morning hours, I reminded myself that, “This is the day that the Lord has made; we (I) will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24). This is a command I gave myself today. THIS is the day that the LORD has made. I’m not looking back right now and I am not looking ahead. I reminded myself to stay in today – the day that my Lord has made. My Creator, my Father, my King. He made this day, and for that alone, I WILL rejoice and be glad IN IT. I will stay in today (not tomorrow or yesterday), I will rejoice no matter what happens in today, and I will depend on God’s strength to get me through the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I was totally heartbroken when we lost our baby, but I made the decision early on that I wouldn’t allow myself to stay in that place. Even though I am currently pregnant with our “rainbow baby” (which I am unexplainably grateful for), I still have a lot of emotions about today. Challenging ones. Sadness still exists – but so does joy. Disappointment still exists - but so does hope. And I don’t think we have to choose one over the other. I believe that, as humans, we can learn to couple the good with the bad while also being mindful about what we choose to feed. My sadness exists, but I am not feeding it. I am not allowing it to overtake me with thoughts that are contrary to God’s promises for me.

To be honest, I have been in one of the hardest seasons of life that I have experienced in many years. There are countless challenges that my family and I have faced during the last 10 months (more to come on that later, maybe). What we are in right now seems extremely hard. It feels like we have gone from one trial to another without pause to catch our breath or find relief. And yet, I can’t help but to overflow with thankfulness. The same God who was with me the day we lost our baby, is the same God who is here with me today.

I may not have seen this coming, but He did. So, I recognize that each day is a gift from the Lord of my life, and I have already decided that I will rejoice and be glad in each day.

In my valleys and on my mountains, He is a faithful God who sees me, knows me, and loves me.

“This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24)